Monday, 30 March 2009

Summer Drinkers

Through your premature sunglasses you see me approaching. Put on your cool face. Vent some smoke in my general direction. Laugh or smile, it's your choice, at the thing your friend just said.

How I hate thee.

Where were you in the winter? Autumn even?

No place for you then to be sat outside, amidst the wind and the rain and the sleet and the other stuff that falls from the sky that isn't sunbeams.

What's wrong with inside the pub eh? The creak of a chair. The crackle of a fire. A raft of winter coats slouching upon not enough coat hangers.

Get back. Back to whence you dwell in the winter months. Hibernating under cocktail umbrellas like little moths, waiting to dust yourself down once more for the summer months.

I swat thee.

Creative Director Competition

The place where I work will be getting a new CD this week.

I, like most of the creatives in the agency, see it as an opportunity. Although the bloke who is leaving is a great guy, we need the bloke coming in to be a great CD.

I need it for my career. The agency needs it because we don't get anywhere near enough good work out the door.

So, here is a priceless opportunity for the agency, will they:

(a) Grasp the nettle and appoint a CD who inspires, leads, fights suits

(b) Appoint a CD who is merely a Yes Man, showing face but merely seeing out the latter days of his career

(c) Appoint a suit who is just pretending to be a CD

(d) Other

The answer will be published in about a week.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Mother Duck It

Brilliant story in the Metro today:

A rare breed of duck faces extinction after the last two males in Britain fell in love with each other. Blue ducks, Ben and Jerry, flirt all the time shunning potential mate Cherry. "Ben and Jerry make a lovely couple," said the warden.

Now, I'm no expert, but I'm guessing ducks aren't predisposed to gayness? Surely the warden can find ways to encourage the some duck-loving rather than sell the story to the Metro and chuckle at how funny the ducks are.

Maybe dress up ladyduck in some sexy lingerie.

Do a photoshoot with ladyduck in saucy poses, perhaps with monthly centrefolds flashing a bit of cleavage to get the lads interested.

Or perhaps just kill one of the lads and when the other one needs a shoulder (do ducks have shoulders?) to cry on he'll go to ladyduck.

Job done.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Hi Geoff...

"Where are we going today?"
"To see a dead man."
Nicholas watched Geoff's face waiting for confirmation of the joke. It didn't arrive.

"Now? We going now then?"

Geoff set off down the street. Closely followed by his ghost, pawing at his shoulders. They needled through the early morning pedestrians. Clockwork people with plans to make and schedules to keep. They barely noticed the two boys amongst them.

"Is it far?"
"Not far."
"Why..." Nicholas broke off from his next question before he could complete it. He didn't really want to know the answer.
"Why what?"
"I dunno. I was gonna ask why it's there, you know. How come nobody knows about it?"
"I know about it." Geoff smirked at his companion, looking him in the face for the first time that day.
"How much do you weigh Nic?"
"8 stone."

The boys had passed through the morning commuters now, leaving the real world behind them. Most people with a purpose in this town tend to head in one direction. Geoff turned to look back at where they had come from. Sure enough, all the specks were getting smaller, not larger.

"There's an empty building down there," Geoff pointed down an alley and looked at Nicholas for the second time, "you should go in on your own while I keep a lookout."

Nicholas looked down the alley. It was populated by commercial bins oozing with waste. Puddles laid traps among the wet cobbles and lights flickered trying hopelessly to remember the night before.
"That one?"
Geoff nodded.

Nicholas tip-toed down the alley, looking back occasionally to see Geoff waving him on. Reaching the building at the end of the alley, Nicholas found a red door - shut. He moved side to side, windows were broken. Lifting himself up onto one of the slothful bins he peered in through cracked glass.

Redundant machinery waited patiently amongst mpty boxes that defied their age, holding their shape proudly. Cloth crawled limply across the floor and rope stretched down from exposed joists, nothing quite within its reach. Up above, water crept in at every opportunity through holes and cracks, whilst shards of light shot down through the broken ceiling looking for a corner in which to hide.

Hooking his arm inside the window, Nicholas jerked free the rusty old lock and pulled the window open. One final glance to Geoff sent him onwards through the window.

Inside was quiet save for the droplets of water whistling down, hitting the floor like little bombs. Each step that Nicholas took was a guilty pleasure which sent his heart beating against his chest. The building was made up mainly of one vast room, with two small rooms boxed off to the left - the clockwork types would have worked in there once.

Overcoming his fear, Nicholas made it over to the two small rooms. Half expecting to find the stiff lifeless body of an old employee, he kicked open the door. A window fell, shattering on the floor. Who knows for how long it had been clinging on to the rotting wood of the door frame.

A snap of noise richocheted around the room, darting out of the now open door and finally up, out of the lifeless building. "Oi, ssshh." A whisper came from the window where Nicholas had made his entrance. It was Geoff.

"Where is it?"

Geoff made his way in side, gesturing again to go onwards. Inside the little room, Nicholas stood bemused, waiting again for some confirmation from his friend.

"Climb up on that table Nic."
Nicholas did as he was told.
"Turn your back to me."
Nicholas did as he was told.
"Can you reach that beam?"
Nicholas stretched out over his head and touched an old wooden beam.
"I want you to grab onto it and hang there for 10 seconds."

Though he wasn't sure why, Nicholas again followed the instructions. The only thing he knew was that if he did this he was gonna see a dead man. He began to count out loud.


As he did so, he heard shuffling behind him. Movement. The legs of a table dragging across the floor. Geoff revealing the body.


His heart was hammering upon his chest now, sending a pulsating thump through to his ears.

"7..8..9 I'm gonna drop now right Geoff?"

No answer came. Nicholas hung there for a few seconds more, awaiting a response. He gently lowered himself back towards the table below, searching it out with his toes. But the surface of the table didn't seem to arrive when it should.

"Geoff!" Panicking, Nicholas flung his legs in search of a surface. He dropped. Crashing through the broken old table he'd been looking for. The laugh he expected didn't arrive.

The only sound remained the drops of water hurling themselves from above, searching out a home among the black puddles below.

Nicholas turned, looking up, and found Geoff looking him in the face for the third time that day.